I wrote these from personal experience and from things I’ve learned in my grief group when I was asked what if anything I found helpful or would have liked to have heard.

Ideas and Tips to Help and Heal a Parent’s Grieving Heart

1.       Use the name of the person lost. My heart lights up when someone uses Kenny’s first name. It’s affirming, loving and shows respect. Also supportive things like “What a handsome kid.” or “I can tell he was a kind and good person.” really make my heart stand tall.

2.       For some parents, at least at first there is a certain stigma, shame and feelings of being judged when the person lost dies by the use of opioids. Always remember that regardless if the person who died was a first time user of a fully addicted individual that that person is somebody’s someone.

3.       Realize that parents don’t want to hear things like “He is in a better place now.” Or “God needed another angel.” even if that is ultimately true.

4.       Understand that even if a parent logically understands that their child is not coming back their heart and emotions take much longer to accept it.

5.      Realize that grief and love are opposite sides of the same coin and it’s because parents love so deeply that they experience such life altering pain.

6.      Be present to the other person’s pain. You don’t have to fix it and chances are you really don’t understand but that’s okay. Just be there, grab that tissue box and hold them if appropriate.

7.     Encourage and help them to remember the person who died. It can be both painful and healing to mark the deceased’s birth and date of death anniversaries by releasing a balloon or anonymously purchasing another child’s cake with the same birthdate. Also linking objects and personal items from the person who died can be a powerful way to remember them.

8.      Don’t try to protect them from all the pain. Obviously if it is overwhelming, outside support might be necessary but some parents suppress the pain. When you actually run towards the pain and outwardly mourn in manageable doses it helps you process the loss.

9.   Help them search for meaning and develop a new self-identity. This is a process that takes time. They will never be the person they were even moments before finding out their child had passed but I have found that there can be a sort of integration that takes place. It is a love amongst the pain and a gradual acceptance. It’s not really important that the new identity is a huge shift but it could be a small improvement such as “I’m going to get up and do the dishes twice this week in their loved ones honor. I’m going to bravely pray and breathe today.

10.   Ask them to look for the heroes in their situation and if possible become one of those heroes. They may not be receptive to this right away but eventually it can be so empowering to remember the family member who got it and listened, the stranger on Facebook who reached out, or the coworker who checked on you when you were absolutely broken and devastated inside.